Family: Mutual Submissiveness is Everything
by David M. Tyler
Submissiveness is the major characteristic of one that is filled with the Spirit (Ephesians 5:18, 21). Everything Paul says about the family is based on mutual submissiveness. “Be filled with the Spirit… be subject to one another.” It is in the context of mutual submissiveness that Paul presents his message about the family.
The family, defined by God, is the heart of human society. It is a place of godly example and morality. A place of security and comfort. The family is where children are taught good manners and politeness. It is where memories build the foundation of an individual’s life. Sadly, there is an attack on the family. Divorce, abortion, infidelity, acceptance of couples living outside of marriage, and homosexuality and so on are undermining the family. People are redefining the family in their own terms. An entire generation of children are growing up with no social skills and moral sense. The heart of society is the family. Destroy the it and you destroy society.
Can the Family Be Saved?
Can the family be saved? Yes. God has a design for the family in Ephesians chapter five. Paul’s words were written to husbands, wives and children. In other words, families. It is important to recognize he was writing to believers; the church. It is impossible for a family to be all it can be apart from Christ. Granted, there are unbelieving families that appear to be everything one would want their family to be. However, like the parable of the man that built his house on sand, those families lack a spiritual foundation. There is no stability. When the storms of life inevitably come, they will crumble. God created the family and it will never be what He intended apart from Him.
The Foundation Principle of Family Life.
Paul prefaces his remarks about the family with the command to “be filled with the Spirit” (Ephesians 5:18). This is the foundation principle of family life. From this verse God’s Word addresses the topics of wife (verse 22), husband (verse 25), children (6:1) and parents ((6:2). Using the analogy of drunkenness, he says “do not get drunk” (Ephesians 5:18). A drunk person has no self-control. They are under the influence and control of alcohol. Self-control is characteristic of a person filled with the Spirit (Galatians 5:23). The Holy Spirit enables one to exercise self-control. This is the starting point for family relationships.
And then Paul says, “be subject to one another” (Ephesians 5:21). Submissiveness is the cornerstone of the Holy Spirit’s work in a person’s heart. From “be filled with the Spirit…” to ‘be subject to one another” Paul launches into his message about the family.
Submission and Leadership
All relationships, in the Body of Christ, are governed by submission. Paul adds the words, “in the fear of Christ.” Christians, unlike non-Christians, know why they do what they do. An unbeliever has no overall philosophy and idea to govern life. He is always conforming to something in society. A Christian, however, thinks and reasons. He knows exactly why he does what he does. He does what he does “in fear of Christ.” Christ clearly teaches him to do so. It is a matter of obedience to Him. He does what he does as an expression of gratitude to Christ. “In fear of Christ” means in fear of displeasing, grieving, or disappointing Him. Thus, he obeys. A Christian is a person that is govern by these thoughts.
Submission does not eliminate the need for leadership nor authority. It does not invalidate the necessity for parental oversight and family structure. Parents have a clear duty to exercise authority, give guidance, instruction and discipline to their children. The principle of submission controls how we behave toward one another. We are to “regard one another as more important than yourselves” (Philippians 2:3). Everything else Paul says about the family is based on mutual submissiveness. “Be filled with the Spirit… be subject to one another.”
Individualism, Rights and Self-esteem
Today’s trend is self; individualism, rights and self-fulfillment. Self-interest creates a disconnected atmosphere within the family. Other members of the family become obstacles to getting and accomplishing what one desires for himself. The family is no longer like a family but more like a group of people just living together. This self-oriented attitude is lethal.
When considering the subject of family, you must always start with mutual submissiveness. “Be filled with the Spirit… be subject to one another.” It is the struggle of family members humbling themselves. There is no gimmick or trick. It is husbands, wives and children committed to obedience to God. Living out the Christian life. Once this attitude of mutual submission is in place we move on to the specifics.
Wives Submit.
“Wives be subject to your own husbands” (Ephesians 5:22). Many have wrongly believed this passage is all about the wife’s submission and the husband’s dominance in the home. The role of husband and wife has nothing to do with superiority and inferiority. The context is “Be filled with the Spirit… be subject to one another.”
The home is the true test of a marriage. A husband and wife are together under every kind of circumstance and difficulty. It is here that a marriage will succeed or not. The breakdown of a marriage is always the result of sin. Sin always makes marriage and family a miserable and unfulfilling experience. The seed of sin is pride and self.
Is the Husband Obligated to Submit to His Wife?
Is the husband obligated to submit to his wife? Yes. “Husbands love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:25). Christ giving Himself for His church is the greatest of all acts of submission. This is the kind of submission required of husbands. He serves and sacrifices his own desires for her. He cares for her. His aim is to please his wife. However, this does not mean the husband abandons his role of leadership in the home. Submission and leadership are not mutually exclusive.
Children’s submissiveness is seen in their obedience to their parents. Children are to obey their parents “for this is right” (6:1). It is the right thing to do. Paul is referring, just as he did with husbands and wives, to Genesis 2 (Ephesians 5:31). “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother, and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24). The husband leaving and cleaving to his wife and the two becoming one is how it was from the beginning. God ordered things to be this way. It is the same with children. Obeying their parents is right and has been from the beginning. It is a basic rule of the creative order.
Are Parents Supposed to Submit to Their Children?
Are parents supposed to submit to their children? Yes. Again, this does mean parents abandon their role as leader and authority in the home. It is sacrificial and selfless parenting of their children. It is serving their children. A father shows submission by not provoking his children (Ephesians 6:4). They show submission by their disciplining and instructing of their children. It is the parent’s duty under God to serve and sacrifice for their children.
Is There a Perfect Family?
A perfect family where everyone is cooperative and kind; where everything is peaceful and quiet does not exist. Remember a Christian home is a place where sinners live. A perfect family is not biblical. Husbands and wives lose their temper. They quarrel. Children bicker among themselves. While there are many positive things there are negative things also. Your family and mine are far from ideal. That is a realistic picture. Our salvation is complete but our struggle with sin and Christ likeness; our sanctification is not.
The difference between Christian and non-Christian families is we understand and admit to the problem of sin. We anticipate and prepare for sin. Believers do not make excuses and shift blame for our sin. We do not use euphemistic language to minimize our sin or make excuses and try to cover it up. Christians recognize their sinful habits and work to put them off and replace them with righteous habits of living. As parents Christians recognize the doctrine of original sin and that it operates in themselves and their children. They learn to deal biblically with problems. There is spiritual growth; fruit of the Spirit.
Teach Them Diligently
Family originated with God. In the beginning He said, “It is not good for man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him” (Genesis 2:18). God commanded Adam and Eve to Be fruitful, and multiply, and fill the earth” (Genesis 1:28). After they sinned God’s plan for the family continued. After the Flood God reminded Noah and his sons of His plans for the family (Genesis 9:1). God, following His call to Abraham, repeated His plan for the family.
The family is the place where parents teach their children to know and serve God. “Teach them diligently” in every circumstance and experience in life (Deuteronomy 6: 1-9). Many parents have neglected this duty. They have handed over the responsibility to the schools, media, and their peers and others. Oftentimes, I have heard parents say they do not want to “shove the Bible down the throats of their children.” They say, “It’s best to allow them to decide for themselves.”
Let Them Decide; Really?
Sadly, while children are not being taught by their parents the world’s ideologies are being shoved down their throats. Letting children “decide for themselves” may sound nice but it is one that parents eventually regret. They do not allow their children to decide whether they want to go to school, brush their teeth, bathe, or do chores. Why would they neglect to teach them to accept Jesus Christ as their Savior and to serve Him? Families prepare children to face the challenges and difficulties of daily living in ways that please God.
Godly Families Make Godly Nations
The means by which God creates civilization and society is the family. It has always been that way. No exceptions. Family is the basic unit of all existence. Godly families make godly nations. Godless families make godless nations. It all depends upon the family. This has manifested itself with the destruction of the family and the growth toward socialism; communism. Karl Marx in The Communist Manifesto writes about the “abolition of the family”.
A family means you have a home. You have property. A family seeks to care and give support to one another. In a socialistic or communistic state children are wards of the government. There is no property; no home ownership. Socialism or communism is antithetical to God and his purpose for the family.